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TOP | RELIGION | SATANISMBible Punting!
To: alt.satanism,alt.atheism.satire,alt.atheism
From: ix@xanadu.io.com (Lupo LeBoucher)
Subject: Bible Punting! (was the bible as a weapon)
Date: 30 Jun 1997 22:28:31 GMT
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In article <19970627101701.GAA23704@ladder01.news.aol.com>,
Strik99 wrote:
>I don't know the bible might make a pretty good weapon, espescially if you
>have one of thos big hardback ctholic ones. It's big and heavy, blunt
>object make fiarly good weapons, like book ends, and bibles.
>Too bad it can't pound common sense and logic into those dense (empty?)
>Xtian skulls.
Back at the University, Dr. Eduard Morbius taught me a nifty game; Bible
Punting.
You see, every year, at around autumn, when the poor lost soul freshmans
enter the university for the first time, the Campus Crusade for Christ
sets up a free bibles and ice cream stand. The good Doctor and myself
would heartily avail ourselves of the icecream, engaging whatever charming
bible bunnies were available in flirtatious conversation. Once our blood
sugar reached an appropriate level for the task at hand, which generally
coincided with being overtly lewd to the bible bunnies (thus loosing their
attentions), we set ourselves to the task at hand.
Calipers were produced, and the appropriate measurements were noted in
the logbook;
"Brother Lupo, This unit measures 23 centimeters by 4.2 centimeters by
10.3 centimeter, plus or minus a millimeter."
"Noted"
"Mass is 357 grammes"
"check 357 grammes"
"It appears to use a glued signature binding to a polyvinyl coated
softcover, manufactured in the United States; have you calculated the
moments of inertia, brother Lupo?"
"I have them here, Dr. Morbius; assuming initial impulse on the
spine, this unit appears to have excellent rotational characteristics;
low probability of chaotic rotation. Brother Bubba is here with the book
of wagers; are we ready to commence?"
"Excellent; Brother Bubba, what odds will you give on that Biryani truck
over there?"
The steely eyed master of wagers squinted & scratched, "10:1 against"
"Excellent, I wager $1.00; Brother Lupo, prepare the Bible"
The growing circle of observing clean shaved Christers, big haired
gum-smacking tarts, and drooling rubes were shooed aside to make way, and
the bible was planted in the grass with the traditional application of one
finger.
Dr. Morbius stretched his arms out from his sides like some great Joe
Namouth, nimbley sprinted forward and SPLONK! The good book described
a beautiful arc skyward, tumbling end over end like the bone tossed into
space by the ape-man in Kubricks Magnum Opus, 2001. The leaves of the
bible came open at the top of its trajectory, and it fluttered
magnificently to the ground spooshing and flarting amongst a big group of
screeching undergraduates.
We all clapped politely.
"Double or Nothing!" Huffed the good Doctor.
"Done"
SPLONK!!!
More fluttering pages, the undergraduate herd starts to panic, as biblical
punishment hurtles from the sky.
"Drat! Foiled again!"
The great Dr. Morbius, unflustered in defeat, ambled up to the spluttering
bible hawkers, pumping their hands up and down in a hearty handshake;
"Your Bibles are of superior construction; fine binding, good sturdy cover,
excellent aerodynamic characteristics and a good bounce. Thank you *very* much.
I'll have better luck next year I am sure."
We left the christians burbling and mumbling in shocked indignation.
*snif*
Ye gods but I miss bible punting at the old Alma Mater
(And for all you mouth-breathers who think this is a fictional account;
yer wrong; Dr. Morbius [not his real name] is actually a moderately famous
Quantum Gravity theoretician working with a Really Famous person of the
same description)
- -Lupo
"In dee wiyuld, wee are primarily carneeevorous"
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