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To: private email
From: tyagi@houseofkaos.abyss.com (nagasiva)
Subject: Kali and my path
Date: Kali Yuga 49950105 

[from private email: tyagi@houseofkaos.abyss.com (nagasiva)]

Fabulous.  Part of my dedication is in speaking of Her and praising Her,
etc....  I found Her, She found me.
It seems all the same, though I class Her as goddess and HGA.

While I do serve Her, She also serves me.  We have a somewhat unique
relationship, perhaps.  I have understood that She is all things which
are not me and I am, at my most perfect moments, Siva, Her consort.
I am thus a monk of Kali, comparably married to Her in the way which
Christian nuns are married to Christ, though seeing that Kali is much
more cthonic and sensual, I get to have more fun. ;>

We are cohorts, really, lovers, Dancers of the Great Rite.  In this way
I cannot know whether the ideas I have come from Her or from myself.  I
do not know whether She demands of me or I am compelled to give to Her.
In general She asks nothing of me.  It is at times quite frustrating.
When I have asked Her about things She has been fairly ambiguous, excepting
certain occasions when She has responded in abundance (part of these
responses may be found in _The Book of Blood_, another ascii-text).

What are the challenges?  The first is the uncertainty.  She challenges me
to use Her Sword of Reason to so play with words as to release them.  I
am not to have a foundation of ideas and words to justify myself and my
activities (or lack thereof).  

The second is loneliness.  She bids me to become a monk, hooking my will to 
my intuition, and follow this to its end.  I cannot know where this will 
lead.  I have left many many people behind.  'I am alone, there is no god 
where I am.'

The third challenge I can think of is eclectika, spawned on the back
of uncertainty.  I do whatever I want, ritual-wise, study-wise, and this
has all the drawbacks of having no 'control group' who has forged the path
I now walk; no social recognition for the complexity and beauty of that
into which I shall venture; no approval process for that which I know to
be my true will.

The fourth, and very important, challenge, is ANGER.  Kali is the Mad
Mother.  She is my Initiatrix into those aspects of myself which have
sorely needed attention.  For the last few years this has included my
emotional side, which I feel blossoming and welcome to my heart.  As I
have been trained to regard emotion with contempt and am rather subdued,
emotionally, it is sometimes very difficult to engage my emotional self.
My Abyss (sakti/SO/lover) is a very wise instructor in this regard.

I gather that different people have different relationships with their
gods.  Kali is very sweet to me.  She does not violate me and we are very
good friends (indeed, we are Married at least ceremonially -- I'm working
on consumating that Marriage :>).  The challenges I've mentioned above 
have been the most difficult for me, though I'm sure there are others 
I've forgotten.


...I have been instructed
by my mother not to accept slavery, indeed to be fiercely independent.
For this reason I have entered into most relationships with some hesitancy
and great investigation.  It took me a long time getting 'introduced' to
Kali before I found myself dedicated to Her worship.  First I knew Her as
my Spirit Guide, then as Tree, then as Dragon and Dakini.  When I met Her
as Kali I knew that She was my ideal, the Beauteous.  

There was no doubt, though in comparison to my friends/family I am looney-
tunes.  I was, until perhaps 10 years ago, surrounded by open-minded yet 
rather conservative folks.  Gradually I've branched out (as have they!) 
into various exploits, but not until recently have I lived in a 'Neopagan'
household.  Now I am the only male in a house of witches and I am the one
of us four who is most strongly dedicated to a single deity (that feminine).

This is the easy part.  I'm coasting now.  The transitions were much more
difficult for me.  Kali shows me avenues that I may walk.  Sometimes She
does so with such subtlety that I think I am thinking things up myself.
She says: 'Look here at these people (monastics).'  I rejoice at their
discipline, their devotion.  She says: 'Look here at these rituals 
(tantric).'  I am shocked at how similar they are to my own path.  She says:
'Look here at these writings (Hermetic/Thelemic/Satanic).'  I am drawn into
them like ants to sugar.  How beauteous!  Thank you!  She says: 'Now engage
the world, be you!'  I am confused about the future ("There is only now."),
the past ("We change it every moment.") and the present ("Breathe deeply,
watch Me carefully.").  

Dangling on the string of monetary stability was not easy.  My Vow of
Poverty, while blissful, has had its definite trying stages.  I interpret
it as a 'right relation to resources'.  I minimize my employment and my
expenses.  This leaves me tons of free time, believe it or not. :> So I
tend to write, read and study diligently.  This is my 'learning time', it
seems.  Kali is gracious.  I am slowly forming a temple for Her and engaging
more and more devotional practices (recently begun consistent bowing toward
the altar, difficult for bull-egoists like me, but oh so relieving).  I have
absolutely no idea where I'll be going from here.  I 'follow my nose', and
sometimes I think that Kali has it all planned and laid out, a true and
perfect course, while at others I think it is a random walk into oblivion.

Probably both combined. ;>


nagasiva, tyagi@houseofkaos.abyss.com

The clouds above us join and separate,
The breeze in the courtyard leaves and returns.
Life is like that, so why not relax?
Who can stop us from celebrating?
                                
-Lu Yu