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To: alt.fan.bob-larson,alt.satanism
From: "Mr. Scratch" 
Subject: BOB LARSON BOTCHES EXORCISM, CALLS ON DEMONS FOR ASSISTANCE!
Date: Sat, 20 Jun 1998 16:00:57 -0700

(A blow-for blow account!)

Hi folks!

Last night Bob Larson came to town (Eugene, Oregon) for a lecture at the
Lighthouse Temple.  As I wouldn't dream of missing the Bobster, I attended
with my friends, Kris (who usually wears a black motorcycle jacket with a
huge chaos symbol on the back, and a garland of human finger bones around
his neck, but today wore a discreet t-shirt that read "Lord's Gym...His
Pain, Your Gain," complete with tastefully gory image of crucified Jesus),
Cody "back and to the left...back and to the left"  GrassyKnoll-Yarbrot,
and that ruthless she-demon of skepticism, Kerry Delf. 

Before Bob made his appearance, everything started off as a "normal" fundy
church service, to include lots of singing and the performance of a weird
duck-like dance (readers would have been amazed at incognito Scratch,
singing and dancing to "The Rock of Faith" with nearby congregants). 

Then came Bob himself, with a bunch of video clips from his past TV
appearances, all of which centered around his giving someone a tongue
lashing.  (Oddly, in my opinion, none of them provided a flattering view.) 
Video featured a nice shot of local Portland CoSatanist, Rex Diablos
Church, responding to Bob's frantic questioning of "you could be DEAD"
with an arched eyebrow and a "But I'm not." 

After an introductory sales pitch for books and tapes (to include the
special Demon-Proofing Package, "How much would you pay for all this?!"),
Bob spent the first half of the presentation shamelessly exploiting the
recent school shooting in the local Eugene/Springfield area.  Of course,
to head off any accusation that he was doing such, he told us that he had
actually called Lighthouse Temple the very morning of the shooting,
totally ignorant of the fact that a mass-murder had just occurred there
(in spite of the nationwide media coverage it instantly garnered). 
Resident sociopathic teen spree-murderer Kip Kinkle obviously was doing
the work of Satan, and Bob tied this into another recent murder in our
town, in which a couple of metalheads on crank, acid and the fast track to
nowhere, bludgeoned a convenience store clerk to death, claiming the Devil
made them do it.  Bob introduced the Larson connection:  the metalheads
listened to Deicide, and the lead singer for Deicide had threatened Bob's
life (Bob played the tape of his talk with this loser, much to the delight
of the audience).  

And now came the question; why is this happening to our peaceful
community?  Because the Oregon Supreme Court ruled the city had to remove
a 60 ft. cross that overlooked the town from public property on nearby
Skinner's Butte.  Satan lives there now.  "Eugene," Bob said, "has opened
the door to demonic forces wider than any other city I have visited this
year."

I felt a momentary rush of civic pride! 

At one point, Bob told us that "someone in this room wants to kill me." 
Incidentally, he was looking at me when he said this (as he did quite
often throughout the show, whenever he talked about eeeevullll).  Don't
know what gave me away, given my efforts to remain incognito...but no, Bob
(if you're reading this), I would never want to kill you.  You serve the
Dark Lord too well! Later, unfortunately, some hillbilly looking dude was
thrown out of the church, supposedly for making just such a threat. 

After this, Bob did some healing, and it was all so low-key and dull that
I briefly considered leaving, disappointed.  But then, he did it.  He
called on Jennifer, a woman who had driven 500 miles for an exorcism. 

Jennifer was a pretty, young Donna Reed type, who was possessed by the
demonic spirit of Murder.  Bob set her into a typical hypnotic trance, and
before long, the rather lethargic Murder sleepily made her introduction
with a deep, growly voice.  Bob now did the usual shouting and rebuking,
and annointing with oil.  Murder wouldn't play along.  She was refusing to
mouth Bob's corny exorcism line for line, and would either sit sullenly,
or would laugh in his face (Jennifer does quite a charming evil laugh, by
the way).  Unfortunately for Bob, this was going on entirely too long. 
Jennifer/Murder was really getting the best of ol' Bob, and the ordeal was
stretching on interminably.  Bob was getting a bit flustered.  Murder
wasn't playing ball at all.  She repeatedly refused to recognize Jesus as
Lord, and would not renounce her claim to Jennifer. She would go along
with Bob to the end of a long exorcism recital, then burst out in laughter
on the last line, refusing to complete the exorcism. 

After awhile an attendant passed a note to Bob, and he announced that the
Lord had given him a new plan to help defeat Murder; "We're going to do
what the Devil hates the most!  Were going to take an offering!"  I'm not,
I repeat NOT kidding.  It was an exorcism by MONEY!  Shuffling
Jennifer/Murder off to the side, he started a beggin' pitch to save poor
Jennifer that had even me slinking down into the seat in embarrassment. He
went on and on, the usual stuff -- his poverty-stricken ministry, how
every dollar strikes at the heart of Satan, and by extension, the spirit
of Murder inhabiting Jennifer.  When the collection was complete, he had
the money placed in front of Jennifer/Murder, as a rebuke, telling her
she ought to tremble before the sacrifice of Christians to Jesus. If it
were under any other circumstances, I would think this to be a parody. I
was fluctuating between astonished disbelief and stifled laughter.

Now the exorcism was on again, full steam ahead.  A new demon was
introduced wha had been aiding Murder, by the name of Maliciousness.  If
Murder had Beggin' Bob's goat, Maliciousness knocked the peg up another
notch.  Aside from the occasional writhing in pain, Maliciousness kept a
beautific smile on her face, and explained to Bob that she DID have a
rightful claim to Jennifer;  you see, Jennifer had asked Satan into her
heart at age 18. Bob figures he has the upper hand now, and so he laughs
at Maliciousness for being so stupid as to tell him the nature of her
pact, and then actually INVITES THE OTHER SPIRITS OF EVIL TO TORMENT
MALICIOUS FOR HER CLUMSINESS, AND CALLED ON THEIR AID!  I couldn't believe
my ears!  Here was Bob Larson, in league with evil spirits!  It could have
only been better if he had drawn a sigil on the ground in chicken's blood! 
A couple of people in the audience eyed one another uncertainly. 
Maliciousness/ Jennifer was cackling with laughter. 

Bob took this awkward occasion to launch a new sales pitch, for his
Satan-fighting seminar, "Spiritual Warfare Workshop".  Questions from the
flier: "Do you sometimes wonder if you are under Demonic attack?  Would
you like to know how to arm yourself against Satan?  Does it feel like
Satan is affecting your finances?"

After yet another lengthy mid-exorcism pitch, Bob went back to Jennifer/
Maliciousness.  Thus far, the exorcism had lasted well over an hour and a
half, and Bob was clearly getting tired of it.  He was sweating.  Jenny
was going as strong as ever.  Stronger, even;  her laughing had gotten
louder, and she openly mocked Bob's recitals.  "You are openly mocking the
servant of Christ!" Bob whined in whatever tone of indignation he could
manage to summon.

I guess this is what happens when you try to perform an exorcism on a
fifteen-minute timetable.  It was now 10 pm, and people started filtering
out, some of them privately shaking their heads in astonishment.  Bob told
us that he understood that people might have to leave, and that they could
go.  All but the hardcore faithful began to flee to the parking-lot.  I
looked down from my front-row seat in the balcony, and wondered how this
must be affecting the many Christians who had witnessed the same spectacle
I had...could this be true?  The exorcism was botched?  The Lord was not
strong enough to cast wicked spirits from this housewife?  Bob could not
summon the righteousness to confront evil? 

I hesitated for a moment before I left the balcony, and imagined for a
moment what it would be like to play the role of my namesake for a moment,
by announcing to Bob that it was awfully late, that he could have Jennifer
now, but that he should remember that I did so out of the infernal
generosity of my gentlemanly nature, not by any force that he and his God
could exert. But then I considered that even a Satanist couldn't so
shamelessly exploit a woman with such psychological trouble, as Beggin'
Bob was doing right now.  So I joined the crowd into the parking lot, my
cloven-hooves clip-cloping at a satisfied gait as I trotted to the car.


-Mr. Scratch

"When I die, 'don't want no part of Heaven;
I would not do Heaven's work well.
I pray the Devil comes and takes me to stand 
in the fiery furnaces of Hell."
  -Bruce Springsteen, "Youngstown".


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From: "Mr. Scratch" 
Newsgroups: alt.fan.bob-larson,alt.satanism
Subject: Re: BOB LARSON BOTCHES EXORCISM, CALLS ON DEMONS FOR ASSISTANCE!
Date: Sun, 21 Jun 1998 13:38:44 -0700
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On Sun, 21 Jun 1998, gregv*ns*@erols.com (tithing on the net) wrote:
> 
> 
> Wow. Thanks for the great post. I'd love to see a hidden camera tape
> of this farce. Could this finally be Bob's last stand??

Actually there were at least two cameras there, but I don't know if they
belonged to the BegBoy or the Lighthouse Temple itself.  So somewhere out
there, the footage does exist.  Whether the rest of the world will get to
see Bob strike out is another matter, however.  

IMO (though I acknowledge the possibility that this is another shakedown
scheme), I don't think this is the kind of thing Bob would like others to
see.  He genuinely appeared to be put on the spot, and was running out of
ideas for how to expel the demons.  He kept moving from one technique or
prop to the other, seemingly confident that it would do the trick, but all
without avail. Finally he was reduced to simply insisting, over and over
again, that Murder/Maliciousness recite his silly exorcism routines, which
would always end in a scream of laughter before the final line.  Bob would
try again, fail, stand up blinking in confusion, pace back and forth for a
minute or two trying to brainstorm something new, denounce the spirit, and
then go back the the recital.  While I enjoyed it immensely, all it seemed
to do for the Christians was either bore them or shake their confidence.
As this sideshow went on, whenever he would shout to the congregation for
some kind of vocal support or singing, the response was weaker and less
enthusiastic, until finally, he didn't dare ask anymore. 

I don't know what the hell Bob was pulling.  As another poster asked, did
the shill go bad?  Was he actually dumb enough to try to conduct a "real" 
exorcism?  I dunno, but Jennifer sure did seem to have the Begster over a
barrel; while I acknowledge the possibility that this is another scheme, I
at least was convinced that he was genuinely caught off guard. 

As an amusing sidenote; Before Maliciousness was introduced, Bob kept
insisting that whatever other demon inhabited Jennifer should come out and
speak their name (which was largely met with a sullen pout from Jennifer).
However, this obese, dumpy looking woman behind me (who loudly wept during
Bobs psychic healing routine, and who kept leaning forward in
anticipation, breathing down my collar), felt SHE knew the name of the
attractive Jennifer's demon -- "JEZEBEL!"  I could barely veil my
contempt.


As much as we were loath to do it, my friends and I chipped in for Bob's
"Showdown with Satanism", filmed in my hometown of Anchorage AK, with Nick
and Zeena Schreck (whom I've had the pleasure of meeting, a charming
couple).  Haven't watched it yet, and I know it will be edited to put the
best possible face on Bob, but I am looking forward to it nonetheless.


-Mr. Scratch

"When I die, 'don't want no part of Heaven;
I would not do Heaven's work well.
I pray the Devil comes and takes me to stand 
in the fiery furnaces of Hell."
  -Bruce Springsteen, "Youngstown".