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By Steve Piziks

I don't think the Aztecs knew what they were starting. Oh, they called 
Xocatl the drink of the Gods, certainly, but they probably had no idea 
that Xocatl would give rise to the even greater deities Godiva, Nestle, 
Hershey and Cadbury. Many of us enjoy these deities on a daily (all 
right, hourly) basis, yet so many people do not take the time to revere 
them properly, possibly because most of us do not know how (or, more 
likely, do not possess the necessary willpower). This ritual, performed 
at the 1992 Pagan Spirit Gathering (PSG), is designed for those longing 
to fulfill an essential part of their spiritual paths. I am speaking, 
naturally, of Chocolate Rites. 

This ritual is good for one of those evenings when it is your turn to 
host the monthly coven meeting, and you haven't the foggiest idea what to 
do. Though this ritual might be called "light" at best and "downright 
silly" at worst, even the most dignified Craft practitioner is hard 
pressed to scoff at the chance to scarf down a pound or two of the God 
and Goddess incarnate. 


You will need: chunks of milk Chocolates, dark Chocolate, baking 
Chocolate, Chocolate chips, hot Chocolate (or chocolate syrup), a box of 
Chocolates, a stick of your favorite incense, a Chocolate Venus of 
Willendorf, and a Chocolate Horned God (a Chocolate Egg and a Chocolate 
rabbit will do in a pinch). A large fingerbowl or packet of baby wipes is 
highly recommended. 

Setup: An area large enough for everyone to stand in (preferably outside-
-this ritual can get messy). An altar with plates, bowls, cups and boxes 
of the above ingredients set up as follows: 

     EAST  : milk Chocolate
     SOUTH : dark Chocolate (including baked products such as brownies)
     WEST  : hot chocolate (or Chocolate syrup)
     NORTH : baking chocolate
     CENTER: Chocolates. The Goddess and God figures should be placed on
             either side of the chocolates.

Before beginning: Xocatl and his children are accompanied by literally 
thousands of tiny hangers-on that must be dealt with before beginning the 
ritual. Priest/ess says: "Before we begin, we must rid this circle of 
evil. (Wave incense.) Be gone, terror of the waistline. Flee, evil of the 
thighs. Leave us, horrors of the double chin. Calories may not enter 

All: "Tastes Great! Less fattening! Tastes Great! Less fattening!" 

Now the circle is cast. 

EAST-MILK CHOCOLATE: Use chocolate chips to draw a quarter circle from 
North to East. The other participants may try to catch them in their 

Priest/ess (all repeating): "Hail, Chocolate of the East, milk Chocolate,
milk, healing, and comforting." Eat a piece of milk Chocolate (so can the
people standing at the East). Sigh with rapture.

SOUTH-DARK CHOCOLATE: Use the Chocolate chips to draw a quarter circle 
from East to South. 

Priest/ess (all repeating): "Hail, Chocolate of the South, dark 
Chocolate, primal, passionate, patron of Mounds Bars." Eat a piece of 
dark Chocolate (so can the people standing at the South). Laugh or growl 

WEST-HOT CHOCOLATE: Use the chocolate chips to draw a quarter circle from 
the South to the West. 

Priest/ess (all repeating): "Hail, Chocolate of the West, flowing, 
flexible, winter solace" (Or "ice cream perfecter" if using syrup). Drink 
some of the hot Chocolate (so can the people standing at West). Say, 
"Mmmmmmmmm!" while rubbing stomach. 

NORTH-BAKING CHOCOLATE: Use chocolate chips to draw a quarter circle from 
West to North. 

Priest/ess (all repeating): "Hail, Chocolate of the North, Chocolate 
mass, basis for all Chocolate, bitter as death and something we only want 
once." Eat a piece of baker's Chocolate (so can the people standing at 
North, IF anyone wants it.) Nod in serious contemplation. 

CENTER-CHOCOLATE: Throw the remaining Chocolate cips in the air in the 
middle of the circle. 

Priest/ess (all repeating): "Hail, Chocolate of the Center, Chocolates, 
synthesis of all, holder of secrets delicious and disgusting." Choose a 
Chocaolate (so can the people standing at the Center). Check the middle 
by pushing your thumb into the bottom. If it's one you like, eat it 
joyfully. If not, try to foist it off on someone else. 


Pick up the Venus figure (or Chocolate Egg).

Priest/ess (all repeating): "Hail, Great Godess Godiva!"  Bite off her
head. Pass the rest out to the participants for further enjoyment.

Pick up the Horned God figure (or Chocolate Bunny). 

Priest/ess (all repeating): "Hail, great God Nestle!" Bite off his head. 
Pass the rest out to the participants for further enjoyment. 

Chant to the Tune of "The Earth, the Air, the Fire, the Water..." the 

The milk, the dark, hot Chocolate (or "the syrup"), the bitter, return, 
return, return, return, return. So good, so good, so good, so good, yum-
yum, yum-yum, yum-yum, yum-yum. (Repeat.)


Everyone takes a piece of his or her favorite Chocolate. Have evreyone 
place his/her right hand over the Chocolate. 

Priest/ess (all repeating): I vow to remember the small, sweet things in 
life, to enjoy the delectable moments, and to give in to temptation of 
Thurdsays. So mote it be. 

Eat the Chocolate. 


Face each direction with a bit of the appropriate Chocolate. Give thanks
to the Chocolate of that direction. Throw the bit of Chocolate away as a 
libation. Yes, this takes a great deal of self control, but it must be 

Walk solemnly to the center of the circle. Shout "PIG OUT!" Do so. 


For large groups, the Priest/ess might want to ask different participants
to bring some of the Chocolates. A persuasive Priest/ess can therefore,
given enough participants, get away without having to buy any Chocolate
at all (though it's a good idea to keep this fact to yourself).

If you must buy the Chocolate yourself, buy it in bits and pieces, so to
speak, and stash it in your freezer until you have enough. Post-
Valentine's Day Chocolates are invariably half-priced and are perfect for 
Center. Chocolate bunnies and eggs abound just after Easter. 

Caloric banishment notwithstanding, sugarless hot Chocolate is an ideal 
way to allow diabetics and dieters into the ritual without compromising 
their physical requirements. Masochistic dieters are encouraged to stand 
in the North and soak up excess baker's Chocolate. 

Would an ancient Greek have sacrificed a papyrus cow to Zeus and expected 
a positive response? Of course not. Therefore, carob, so-called white 
Chocolate and artificially flavored Chocolate have no place in this 

We don't give a damn if you enjoy this quality file leeched from...

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