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From: catherine yronwode 
Subject: Re: love return immediately if not sooner
Date: Tue, 14 Sep 1999 14:13:37 -0700

Dan Goodman (dsgood@visi.com) wrote:
> 
>  (lonesq@webtv.net) wrote [snipped for bandwidth]:
>
> > I need help desperately.  The man I love most in the world now or 
> > ever suddenly left ... over 8 months ago. There is more to the 
> > story, however, the essence is that he was with me for 5 years 
> > and as we got closer and closer to "marriage" he suddenly 
> > exhibited "cold feet" and yet kept trying to not be that way. 
> > Within 3 weeks I found that he ... was seeing someone else. ... 
> > I have tried several love spells ... Sometimes I get a glimmer 
> > of positive reaction, but nothing has gotten him back so far. 
> > He is ... strong willed ... with a block on his emotions... 
> > He has some very sensitive issues that foster the massive fear 
> > of being hurt emotionally and ... he needs to be in command of 
> > all that ... the love he gave and promised seems to still be 
> > haunting me and as i still feel that we are supposed to be as one, 
>
> To me, it looks like you would do better with a fall-out-of-love 
> spell for yourself.  Or, alternatively, one to attract the best man 
> for you -- possibly one you don't yet know; possibly this one.
> 
> He sounds like someone who would be a difficult marriage partner, for 
> one thing.

Well said, Dan! 

This sort of story is oh-so-common. It really breaks my heart to hear it
again and again. 

A man or woman i call the "giver" loves a woman or man i call the
"taker." 

The giver believes that the taker is his or her soul-mate or best lover
of all time. The taker plays a yes-no-yes-no game, agreeing verbally,
but physically alternating between drawing closer and pulling away. 

The giver declares his or her love and a desire for union. The taker
temporaizes by promising all manner of things -- to have sex, to break
off with another part-time lover, to leave a spouse, to marry, to get up
drugs, to find a job, etc. -- without ever fully delivering on the
promises. 

The giver is hurt. The taker produces substitute gifts in place of what
was promised -- flowers instead of a date, a date instead of a weekend
together, a weekend together instead of marriage. If the giver is deeply
in love, the taker can maintain the relationship on little more than a
few letters, words, or dates, without ever having to do anything he or
she has promised. 

Sometimes, after months of disappointed expectations, the giver draws
away. Then the taker makes a big effort to make good on something that
was promised -- he or she spends a full weekend, gets on medication for
depression, finds a job, breaks off with the other lover, or some such.
However, things soon return to the way they were before. In short order,
the taker pulls away again -- staging a fight or blow-up, using cruel
language, quitting the job believed necessary to the couple's plans for
marriage, being discovered with another lover or using drugs -- and the
giver is again left baffled and hurt. The couple may then split up
temporarily, but the giver persists in loving the taker, so the taker
starts the entire cycle again, making new promises and breaking them.
This can go on for years. 

The couple may be middle-aged, too, not kids, so the idea arises that
that the come-and-go lover is not really a taker but instead is a
potetntial fellow-giver who is suffering from "past hurts" or "fears"
such as an abusive childhood or a former "bad" marriage, or is having a
"mid-life crisis," or going through a "mental breakdown" which must be
fixed somehow before he or she will settle into a loving union.  If this
avenue of thought is pursued, the giver becomes what i call a
"self-basting turkey," who spends a lot of time trying to analyze the
taker's "past hurts" and trying to help to fix them (reading books on
difficult relationships at the very least, but even going so far as to
deal with social workers, therapists, probabtion officers, doctors, or
an ex-spouse on behalf of the taker). These efforts by the giver may
conceal the fact that the taker is abivalent about relationships in
general or this relationship in particular, or that the taker may be
mentally ill, or may be drug addicted, or may be enaged in a
deliberately deceitful strategy of using the giver as a stop-gap lover
until someone he or she deems "better" comes along. 

Eventually the giver discovers something unbearable -- that the taker
has another lover, has gone back to his or her spouse, is really
homo/hetero sexual, is not in treatment, is still using drugs, has been
arrrsted again, or some such -- and there is another blow-up. Then the
cycle begins again. 

(An aside: this sort of cycle resembles, in its dynamics but not in its
details, the cycle that occurs in an abusive, battering, or violent
relationship; the energy level is much different, of course, but the
raising of expectations for change and the failure to keep promises are
identical.)  

If the taker actually breaks things off permanently (usually by finding
another lover), the giver, who has been been self-trained into patience
for so long and has given so much, is devastated. His or her pain
usually centers around the unfulfilled promises made by the taker and on
the fact that he or she belives this was a "fated" or "spiritual"
relationship. The giver may find it almost impossible to believe that
after years of learning to accomodate the taker's "fears," he or she has
been dumped utterly and finally. The taker, especially a very cruel one,
may then offer "friendship" as a substitute gift for the love or
marriage that was promised and not delivered, leading the giver into yet
another futile cycle of belief that the couple can somehow "reconcile,"
especially through the use of love-spells.  

What the giver needs to do is draw a limit. I found mine, when i was in
just such a situation, from the works of Lewis Carroll, the author of
"Alice in Wonderland." In his book "The Hunting of the Snark," Carroll
introduces the phrase "What i tell you three times is true." 

This means that if someone says something THREE TIMES, if events repeat
THREE TIMES, you are justified in taking them as "true." 

Don't demand that the taker make any declaration of love three times in
a row; promises are his or her stock in trade and count for little.

Don't warn the taker that he or she has "three chances" to get things
right. 

Just listen to what's going down. Pay attention to the truth in threes. 

For instance, if the taker tells you THREE TIMES that he or she will be
somewhere on a certain date but fails to arrive, then you have been
dumped. I'm not talking about a situation where he or she is late or
calls and cancels ... i'm talking about a date for which he or she does
not show up at all. If that happens three times, there's no point in
your getting mad -- what you were told three times is true. You are not
wanted. The end. 

Do you need more examples? Okay, try these -- if the taker says THREE
TIMES that he or she will file for divorce with an ex but does not do
so, says THREE TIMES he or she wants to make an appointment with a
psychiatrist but doesn't, says THREE TIMES that he or she is putting a
piece of property on the market to raise money to move in with you but
doesn't, says THREE TIMES that your "intensity" makes him or her
"nervous," or says THREE TIMES that he or she loves you more than life
itself but explains that he or she cannot move in with you because
there'll be "problems" with your children, pets, or refrigerator -- then
that's the TRUTH for that person. "What i tell you three times is true."
The relationship will never get any better. 

Okay, you don't believe me. You say, "But catherine, THREE TIMES doesn't
prove anything, it's just a number." 

That's right. It's just a number. So, okay, let it go to FOUR TIMES.

It happened again. See? 

Do you feel any better because you gave that person one more chance,
wasted one more day, one more week, one more month, or one more year? 
 
I don't mind if you let the string of events run out to six times or
eight times or ten times before you get the picture. But somewhere,
sometime, you have have GOT to pick a number, draw a line, and stick by
it 

Once your personal line is crossed, it's time to take action. 

You still love the taker. You are hurting. What should you do? 

Carve the taker's name and the words "GOOD BYE" on a black candle. Dress
it with Uncrossing oil. At its base place a broken or unlinked length of
fine chain (you can find a broken length of bead chain at the bottom of
the Uncrossing Oil i make and sell, or just break a piece of jewelry
chain). Light the candle and as it burns, have a good cry and say "good
bye." When the candle has burned about half-way, use its flame to set
afire a photo or name-paper of the taker, then extinguish the candle in
the ashes of the paper and throw the whole mess, broken chain and all,
away at a crossroads in the dark of the night or bury it in a graveyard.
Go home and bathe in astringent and pungent protective and mind-clearing
herbs such as eucalyptus, walnut, bay, and the like (e.g. 13 Herb Bath)
and get on with your life. 

Good luck, 

catherine yronwode 
Lucky Mojo Curio Co. http://www.luckymojo.com/luckymojocatalogue.html
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